Friday, May 27, 2011
Accurate Biblical Translations - "God Has Standards" - Part One in a Divine Series
Friends—I have taken it upon myself to properly translate ‘long-assumed-to-mean-even-though-it-doesn’t-directly-say-it’ scriptures. Today’s lesson is on the real meaning of John 3:16:
16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
What we in “the religious church” really understand this scripture to mean is:
For God so loved the of-European-decent, white heterosexual Republican who attends church regularly, never drinks, smokes, swears or misses a daily shower, who is married (to a woman who was a virgin) and has 2.5 children and a house with a white picket fence—who freely pronounces judgment over all others who do not fit into their mold—especially homosexuals, peoples of other races, mixed race people, single moms, the homeless (they are just lazy or drug addicted people anyway), people of any other denomination or belief system, as their understanding of God’s grace is the only correct one. That when they believe in Him—because all others obviously are miserable sinners who deserve hell so why would they believe in Him anyway?—they will not perish, but have everlasting life in heaven with all other people exactly like them.
It’s a bit rough right now—but I’m sure I’m spot on as I have studied this out. I know you picky, deluded sinners will try to point out the Greek word for “the world” κόσμος (kosmos) means the inhabitants of the earth, men, the human family, the ungodly multitude; the whole mass of men alienated from God, and therefore hostile to the cause of Christ, but … you have to read between the words sometimes to really understand what God was trying to say! That is why we have helped God out with our wisdom and better explained what He meant with the development our all important religions. Obviously we can’t have literally everyone running around thinking God loves and accepts them! Just how many mansions in Heaven do you think there are? Clearly, God had not thought this through well enough at the time, either that or the Bible has a few typos in it.
Do you really want to spend eternity living beside some person of another color, or an alcoholic, or a queer—even worse, a married couple of queers—or horror of horrors, queers that have the gall to be raising a child? Could you imagine how awful it would be for all eternity to have rap music blasting out of your black neighbor’s mansion as those dangerous teenagers, showboating and talkin' smack while playing basketball with their shorts not even covering their butts in the driveway - making your friends feel it is not safe to visit? Do you want some single mom for all eternity to keep asking you to watch her bastard children as she heads off to her heavenly duties? And you know those Mexicans are probably illegals—they must've jumped the heavenly borders to get in, even though you would not want to do the work they are doing in heaven …
No, folks, God has standards! So let us, as reasonable, sound, religious people, start to rage against this plague of acceptance to all people that is spreading like some terrible cancer among the truly faithful. Whatever you do … do not love and see all people through the eyes of this, this … ‘Jesus’ that some infidels are trying to tell you He is. Look here, now, listen up. Jesus was a white, rich Republican, with blue eyes, a slight British accent and long, flowing, always freshly washed hair. He never farted, nor burped or snored, and he smelled very good—like sweet incense. And perfect teeth—He had perfect teeth, too. And no wine or garlic-breath either; He never had any halitosis at any time. He never scratched His privates, and His finger and toenails were always dirt-free and well trimmed, and even though the typical pictures of Him show him wearing a beard, this is highly unlikely … the Son of God would have been clean shaven. Always.
WARNING! Avoid at all costs going to Shiloh’s Lighthouse for Sunday worship or any of their many community outreach programs—for there you will find those unwanted rejects of society, the kind of people you don’t want to be around and especially do not want your children exposed to. Hell obviously awaits them all—so let them stay separated from you as it would be throwing pearls in front of swine to waste a moment of your time with those kinds of sinners. Raise the standard of exclusivity and elitism! How dare this ministry spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ to all people! Take some comfort in knowing that, at least before they all go to hell, for a brief period of time they had the illusion of love and acceptance—that is probably okay, as long as you don’t have to put up with them in heaven.
So remember—God’s love and acceptance to all people—is a false teaching. I am a very religious pastor, so I know the truth—and if you had not yet realized this truth, then you can take my Word for it, and know and know it well now. Oh, thank you—oh, please, stop … you’re too kind. A standing ‘O’? Please. Be seated! Oh please, stop … there’s no need to bow in My presence, I’m just doing my divine job. Thank you, thank you all again. And please stop back often to our SLM blog … more accurate translations coming soon!
Keep the faith*
*… (That is if you are of European decent, a white, heterosexual Republican, who attends church regularly, never drinks, smokes, swears or misses a daily shower, who is married and has 2.5 children and a house with a white picket fence. And a dog or a cat. Or both.)